Why Are All the Best Products Marketed for Babies?

Seriously, you guys. Why are companies limiting these wonderful products to such a small subset of the population? It’s crazy!  Personally, I love baby swag, and the following five products are some of my favorites. These infant-beautifiers will only be pried from my cold, dead, well-moisturized hands…

 

1.) Aveeno Baby Bath

I understand that Johnson & Johnson Bedtime Bath has a bit of a cult following. Cults are bad, though and their ideologies are stupid.* The Aveeno Calming Baby Bath is where it’s at. Its oat extract formula leaves skin super-soft, while a rich, dense lather feels luxurious in a long, hot bath. I prefer it to the Johnson & Johnson bath because the scent is much more subtle, so you won’t die from inhaling too many fragrant fumes if you choose to burn some scented candles while you soak. This product is so freaking awesome, I get kind of angry thinking about all the selfish babies who keep it to themselves. Share with the grown ups, you infant jerks! But yeah. If you’re sick of being a basic bitch when it comes to your hygiene routine, step up your bubble bath game and buy this stuff, like, now.

*Except for the cult that Casey joined in Season 1 of Veronica Mars; those guys seemed pretty cool.

2.) Mustela Massage Oil

If you want someone to put a baby in you, this is the baby oil you should be using on your legs. It’s lightweight and imparts a nice, non-greasy sheen, leaving only a fresh, powdery fragrance in its wake (no heavy, slimy oil residue here). I have the lower body of a Scandinavian troll and this stuff makes even my legs look phenomenal. Like, Heidi Klum phenomenal. Additional bonus features (as if you need any): the spray bottle is really convenient and less messy than other oil applications, and this product is totally free of parabens, sulfates, and other synthetic crap.

3.) Weleda Baby Calendula Face Cream

This face cream boasts awesome moisturizing powers and a light, floral scent. It’s got beeswax and sweet almond oil to keep your skin from losing moisture. Bonus: sweet almond oil contains linoleic acid, which can gently even skin tone. If you want a facial moisturizer but don’t need anti-aging or sun protection benefits, this is a great option.

4.) Baby Wipes

Everyone needs wipes. They’re convenient for removing non-waterproof makeup and provide a fresh pick-me-up when showering isn’t really feasible and your pits are starting to stank. I always have baby wipes with me at music festivals and during extended travel (especially via airplane), because when I feel sweaty and grimy and gross, a quick wipe-down can make me feel like a shiny new person. HUGGIES Natural Care wipes are fragrance free, which makes them both great for sensitive skin and people who dislike that weird baby wipe smell.

5.) Shea Moisture Baby Healing Lotion

The fragrance of this lotion is divine. Literally. It’s frankincense and myrrh. If it’s good enough for baby Jesus, it’s good enough for me. The scent is pretty light but a little musky, and surprisingly sexy for a baby product–much less “aww, baby” and much more “ooooh, BABY!” if you catch my obvious metaphor for sexual attraction. In addition, it boasts a host of popular skin-nourishing ingredients, including raw shea, chamomile, and argan oil. Additionally, this stuff lasts. It lasts and lasts and lasts until the cows come home. I put it on in the morning and my skin is still noticeably soft mid-afternoon. However, miraculously, even immediately after application, it doesn’t feel heavy. It absorbs beautifully and keeps me soft all day.

So, do any of you use products that are intended for another demographic? Is there some secret use for denture cream I’m unaware of?

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